Up until this point I haven’t really ever written anything on this blog, but I’ve decided to try to change things up in the interest of getting a better understanding my own work and of myself.

I read a passage by the great writer Ta-Nehisi Coates a few years ago, “The best part of writing is not the communication of knowledge to other people, but the acquisition and synthesizing of knowledge for oneself.” This resonated with me deeply as something I had once known but let slip away as I’ve gotten older and more disconnected from reading and writing. I was reminded of this concept a few days ago upon Joan Didion’s death and the resurfacing of what she commented on about writing; "I write entirely to find out what I’m thinking, what I’m looking at, what I see and what it means." These thoughts represent ideas of effortful self-reflection, and reflection of sides of ourselves that my not always be at all obvious to our own awareness without really taking the time and effort to dig them up. I feel like this concept is something that we are losing in this era, as the ability and time to self-reflect becomes increasingly elusive. Photography in and of itself is part of that reflection process, but I think and hope that writing (reluctantly) about it will bring more light onto what lies behind the merely visual.

I took this self portrait in mid September of 2021, for what what was supposed to be just an updated headshot for my website. This was one of about 20 I took that afternoon and the only one that I ended up keeping. Despite the fact that it was the sole survivor of that shoot, I still didn’t particularly like it. For me though, I think sometimes photos need a gestation period of sorts. A lapse of time can give enough space to see an image as it’s own being and let go of any initial emotional attachment to it, positive or negative. Originally I processed this as a full color version, and several weeks later later as a monochromatic image. Adding a dual warm and cool tone using gradient mapping brought this where I wanted it to be, and I feel reflects the sense of sadness in my own eyes. My wife Andrea said this should be entitled “Existential Dread” and I can’t say that I disagree with her. I see a lot of sorrow and anxiety here now that I can see it months away from its creation.

Thanks for taking the time to read this and comments welcome.